whatev

Not one of my lucky days it seems. Being annoying and getting annoyed - all the same. But fortunately, it wasn't the case in my classes today. AND in the nasty common room! Satisfaction with a big O!!!

friends, away - 2

A friend has attempted to make me feel guilty. I thought she was just jealous of my attention to another friend. The hell with that.

friends, away - 1

Hiya! How's it going? It's a greeting I longed to say to all of my chatting buddies. They're nowhere to be found now, because I'm no longer around myself. I sent postcards to a few folks, I don't know if they've received them. One of the cards had a T-Mobile SIM card (which used to be mine) attached on it. I hope it didn't get lost on the way to Mona. And Mona... I was quite relieved things didn't go too wrong between us in our last days together, though I can't say the main problem has been solved. I don't care that much, now that I'm away. She can have whatever thoughts she has about me, and it doesn't matter anymore. Besides, "dirt is always smeared all over my face," and I'm kinda ok with that. If there's anything I still want to cry about, it's the fact that I can no longer spend the night in Eta and Widya's apartment. Oh, those ol' sweet days with my dearest 'sistas'. Eta, who's always been the best listener and confidante, no matter what winds and currents my crazy mind has. Widya, who always has that little space for me to snug in. I seriously miss them it hurts me.

fiction reader? go here.

questions

Apa benar kamu sudah merasa baikan? Setelah kata-kata di pesan yang kautulis untuknya? Yang kau perkirakan tak akan berbalas? The cookies in the jar are tempting, aren't they? Itukah nilaimu baginya? Semacam holiday on an island? Pertanyaan-pertanyaan ini tak kan berjawab. Pertanyaan-pertanyaan gadis itu tak kan berjawab juga. Does it make you feel better? Does it?

Things happen for a reason. Gitu katanya. Jadi semua ini yang sudah terjadi begitu juga kan pastinya? Berkutat memformat thesisku, di bagian akhir Acknowledgments aku tulis namanya. Thank you for showing me both sides of "novelty."

one shocker came after another. i'm tired. if you are bored of this, i am even more. H.A.M.P.A.

and again

national brokenheart anthem :)

KLa Project unplugged. Tak Bisa Ke Lain Hati.

i was happy when i found this

look how the lyric and the guy's expressions seem to go their own ways. it's hilarious.

http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/639.html

my absence

... is due to several things. I moved out from my Meadowbrook apartment to a temporary place until I go home. Moving wasn't as handy as I wanted it to be, but I managed... with help from some friends. Then there's thesis revision. It was minor, but it felt like having to eat an expired yoghurt. Won't kill you literally. But. And of course, breaking up is never easy. Though I'd say I am ok, I still can't get over it. Again, I am fine. But.

finally

He came and all. Still unable to complete the missing links. Lame excuses that didn't add up. Let's make it simple. You can't change the way you do, and I can't help being myself. So we ended our young, young relationship, this morning. Sealing it with a kiss and some bit of extra. Go, little Vaniushka!

><

There he goes again... being mysterious again... I couldn't get a hold of Vanya. I wonder how many other girls he's been entertaining. I guess up to this point, he's got me. I'm jealous. F*!!! Why did I start things that I know I can't end properly???

both sides, now

I passed!!! My thesis defense went really well. I was soooo happy, smiling from ear to ear. But that was just one side of the coin. As it turned out, yesterday was also my unlucky day for another reason. A super stupid thing happened, a totally messed up communication between Ivan and me that we ended up hurting each other unintentionally. We broke up. Isn't weird? We never officially dated, yet we broke up. I wrote him a message that hinted that intention if he couldn't straight things up for me. At around 9 p.m., he came to my place to explain what had happened. We talked. We hugged. "But you already broke up with me. And this isn't going anywhere anyway," he said. But what the hell? Who said we had to make it happen? So why not enjoy the moment while you can? So that was the agreement. And we stayed there holding each other till morning.

kick them asses, bitches!!!

My loves, Gina and Brian kicked each other a moment before they kicked the audience's ass in Ashes to Ashes, Monday, May 14, 2007.

a perfect pervert

Yeap, that's Vanya! A dirty, dirty boy!! The dirtiest I know in person. We had a 'sick' telephone conversation after my Ashes to Ashes show (which went soooo well, by the wayyy!!!) I was checking on him because he said he'd fallen off his bike (mwahahaha!!!). He lost balance having to carry a coat stand that I borrowed for my play. He said his knee bled and it hurt. Well, I felt bad. A little. Because it happened to this perfect pervert anyway. It seemed that the accident came hand in hand with his other sick behaviors tonight. He poked a nail he found under a couch on my palm. He kept doing it until he tried that on his own palm. "Ouch!" He's just a sick flirtatious bastard. No wonder he fell off his bike. He said I owed him a lunch and dinner for what had happened to him. Well, you need a couple of days before that happens, Vaniushka. Meanwhile, have a painful night!!!

O F!!! [fin de partie]

I think I finally have to accept the fact that I'm growing old and weary of life. Seriously. This "no-strings-attached" thing didn't really work for me. It sucks dicks. Sorry for the language. But it perfectly describes this situation. I'm used to reading signs, especially bad ones. It hurts me, but I have to face it, right? Then I know I will build my fortress again. I am worn out. Totally.

about a boy

Before rehearsal, Gina and I met to have lunch and chat. She asked if I dated Ivan, and I said no. She didn't believe me. She said I looked happy with him. "There's nothing to expect here, we're both leaving very soon. Just two people taking benefit from each other is what it is." Despite the good things we've had, he's not the type that you'd fall for head over heel and want to make a permanent lover. I just remember the first night we spent together. I told him, "You're one of my babies." He asked if he was qualified. Well, yea. One of them babies I have. ... Back to rehearsal. Ivan came to my rehearsal at Murphy, bringing some big printouts of the photos he took last time. I had a chance to talk alone with him while Gina and Brian were smoking their cigarettes outside. We talked a bit, casually, about going home. I thanked him for the pictures. We kissed a bit, yes. After rehearsal, we went to his office in Blake before going to Mass Str. for dinner. Am I dating Ivan? The answer is still, and will remain, no.

Ashes to Ashes

Monday rehearsal. Actors: Brian Lechner and Gina Sandi-Diaz. Pictures by Ivan Pisarev.